shit I need a vacation from my self...

I am really going to schedule my nervous breakdown for this week. I have been avoiding it for too long, too busy, too tired I just need to put it on my schedule and get the fucking thing over with.  Last week was me going to hell in an airplane.  I took Kai to cumberland.  Shit not at the last minute or anything.  on monday I am walking Tiger to camp and get a call at 9:30 a.m. telling me if Kai is not at Cumberland by 8a.m. Tues he can't be in the program.  FUCK on friday I was told to chill out and wait for Cumberland to get the "special #" to be able to be a Vermont Medicaide provider.  I had planned to get Kai (he was still at Brattleboro Retreat!) on sunday afternoon and fly out sunday to be at THE SCHEDULED 8a.m. for monday.  Three ring fucking circus.  I am a mess all weekend wondering what is /how is and when is this going to fall into place.  so me on monday racing home, guzzling coffee and packing Kai's stuff.  I had a plan formulated:  call Richard tosee if he could be my co-pilot, gas, smokes and water.  so I get Richard and at 11:20 we hit the highway like a bat outta hell and whew!!! I made record time to the sucky hole that is The Retreat.  my boy so handsome and nervous about flying for the first time.  We are 50 min. from the airport tickets have not been booked yet and I am losing my mind. The flight is at 5:40 and check in at 4:45. We arrive at 4:48, A deep breath and pep talk later I am being felt up by airport security( b/c of all my jewelry0.  Kai was a dream on the fight just sweet and loving and cooperative.  We flew over NYC and had our lay over at Laguardia. This was the most amount of time we have spent together since March.  Kai & I laughed our heads off watching a security guard eating a variety of stuff from the garbage and off tables.  He was sucking the ketchup out of packages and finishing fries and burgers.  WE were sooo hungry Kai wanted tuna $9.00!!! for a prepackaged tuna sandwich. 12 bucks for a burger. damn weate good old cheap McDonalds.  Oh and when I discharged Kai from Brattle boro they forgot  to tell me about Kai's ear infection they were treating him for.  So as we land in Virginia he is in sooo much pain those fuckers they report me to DCF for giving Kai a snack so he doesn't get low blood sugar but fail to let me know he has an ear infection.  Rant time:  so yeah one time when I went to visit Kai I took him out in town and they said I was not allowed to feed him and well as we were walking around he was feeling low so I gave him a snack and let the nurse at Bratt. know and they reported me to DCF.ok so I will continue my ranting at a later time.  I care not at all if anyone reads this.  It is totally self serving to get this stuff out of my head and make room for the beauty that follows....

The Hour

ohh The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos, SMITTEN I am. "The thinking woman's pin up boy" cripes... He is my T.V. boyfriend.  Shit I am still living in fantasy and it sure feels good.  It has been a freaky week.   I  just spent 5 days with someone I knew when I lived in Boston, 17 years ago I was 23 and a nanny in Boston, driving a mercedes and life before children.  G-Love was on the cusp of discovery and my friend worked for Sony music. we saw G-Love often,  Jeff Buckley, Bruce Cockburn and puffed many a night at the plow & Star.  People are strange and they really change.  I should have known when he said my T.V. boyfriend is a pussy.  Hmmm... so I am recovering from the visit and thankful for his generosity as he spoiled the kids and I to a major extent.  He bought me a car and took us out to eat EVERY meal.  He also drank Vodka from the moment he woke until he fell asleep, it felt sad to witness his sadness. Oh the curse of being rich and lonely.  I wonder if George is lonely...

Back on track

Good Morning,
So as I struggle to be a creative blogging mama I realize the challenge of posting daily in real time is a commitment that continues to elude me. So here I am back tracking my journey. I left off at day two sooo day three ARGHHHHH! I woke up just freaking out everything is a fucking mess and I just want to cry it feels so out of control good damn this SNDN!! I want to quit today! somehow with lots of whinning and unpreparedness we get out the door and as soon as Tigress enters school I call my therapist and leave a long crazy message(to be in one long breath/... "Oh my god I am freaking out, I can't do this it's too hard they aren't doing anything, no showers, no ones brushing their teeth or eating real food OOHHH maybe it's my fault maybe they have too many responsibilites already and I am fucking nuts for expecting them to take care of the stuff I am supposed to do as their mother" deep breath "if I wasn't going on this retreat I would quit right now shit!" message time over I am in a daze as I stumble toward the coffee to stop feeling this feeling.  Is it too early to have whiskey? how far would my bus pass take me.  the crazy real time shit is as I write I am listening to Pema Chodren talking about Tongelin/ Maitri self compassion and how to breathe in the feelings of discomfort and sit with them. Profound way softer than whiskey...   Compassion is what heals us... TBC

Day 2 of Do Nothing , Say Nothing

Goodness gracious, I am fucked. It is only the second day of this brilliant yet torturous Parenting On Track program and my house looks like Animal House. Last night the kids fought so much I wanted to freak out and yell and seperate everyone as I lay on my bed trying to keep busy so my mouth would not speak. It is hard. I realize how much I boss and command and control how we get through a day. I woke yesterday wondering with anxiety how can we function if I am not Sarge in charge. Well Big Boy stepped up and sounds like mini me. Cripes and my noodling daughter woke up and played video games and is now trying on my clothes. I want to fucking scream... it feels so scary to not control every- thing they do. I have been under this illusion that to be a "good mama" I have to make sure the kids are taken care of in everyway under my dictation so no one suffers w/o a coat or lunch or is late or they have a perfect, nutritious lunch. Now they make their own lunches. Daughter left her's on the table overnight (yogurt and turkey) I did nothing and said nothing... I am learning so much about us as a family and as painful as it is to realize I have been mothering from an illusion I am ready to step over the coats, let the dishes pile up and let them be... as i continue my 7 day challenge.

fuckit...

THe Witching hour has passed, the children are sleeping, Mama feels the guilt of all her bad parenting moves blossoming inside. My life is just ridiculous most days. The boy is so disrespectful and angry, yelling at me like a crusty, old drunkard... fuckit I just wrote a huge mess of feelings down and my fucking shitbag computer erased most of it, goodnight fuckkkkkk....

I am crazy

I am crazy... Believe me it took me 3 1/2 years to post again and a fucking week to figure out how (thanks Jeremy) A short crazy post as am off to pick up the baby girl from afterschool. Big Boy is out of the home again. We just went to his Diabetes Clinic appointment where is was yelling and swearing the whole time and my blood is boiling as he yells and carries on about how everyone is an "ASSHOLE" and his life sucks. pretty sad thoughts for an 11 year old. I got crazy and freaked out on the social worker about how everyone at the clinic is uncaring and tiptoes around the fact that my son is really struggling with his Diabetes diagnosis and why doesn't anyone seem to care about my son's life. ARRGGHHH it is so flippin' obvious that he is super pissed about having Diabetes and the fucking Endocrinology clinic refuses to acknowledge the emotional impact of this diagnosis on my son. Every part of craziness inside me just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at everyone who doesn't fucking care!!!!! don't even get me started on the lameness of type 1 diabetes ever being compared to type 2 every fucking minute. type 2 is a lifestyle you can change type 1 is not changeable you got it forever baby your pancrease does not make ANYMORE insulin. your own immune system attacked your cells and now you are insulin dependant. stay tuned for more rants from the crazy lady of the day...

How does insulin work?

Diabetes has come onto my radar in more than one way recently. Both within my circle of friends and my direct family. With type one diabetes I thought I had a basic grasp of insulin function. I thought insulin would kind of "digest" the blood sugar in the bloodstream. Well, then I encountered type 2. The explanation I recieved was that the body built up a "resistance" to insulin over time. How could sugar build up a resistance?

Yes, that is a silly question. It made me realize I had it all wrong. I looked it up. Insulin is an enzyme that plugs into the receptor sites of cells in the liver and muscles. As a result, these cells are coaxed into absorbing blood glucose, turning it into glycogen, ready for use as energy. It's these cells that build up a resistance, not sugar.

It has some other effects as well. Insulin also stops the cells from using stored fat for energy and takes the excess fuel in the blood and converts it into fat. That's way eating sugar and simple carbohydrates makes new fat and keeps us from losing fat.

The prevelence of obesity and increasing cases of type 2 diabetes in our culture points to the dangers on industrial farming, monoculture, and distributed food systems, but we'll leave those issues for another thread.

-Jeremy