food stamp mamas

shit I need a vacation from my self...

2010-06-29T12:12:00.000-04:00

I am really going to schedule my nervous breakdown for this week. I have been avoiding it for too long, too busy, too tired I just need to put it on my schedule and get the fucking thing over with. Last week was me going to hell in an airplane. I took Kai to cumberland. Shit not at the last minute or anything. on monday I am walking Tiger to camp and get a call at 9:30 a.m. telling me if Kai is not at Cumberland by 8a.m. Tues he can't be in the program. FUCK on friday I was told to chill out and wait for Cumberland to get the "special #" to be able to be a Vermont Medicaide provider. I had planned to get Kai (he was still at Brattleboro Retreat!) on sunday afternoon and fly out sunday to be at THE SCHEDULED 8a.m. for monday. Three ring fucking circus. I am a mess all weekend wondering what is /how is and when is this going to fall into place. so me on monday racing home, guzzling coffee and packing Kai's stuff. I had a plan formulated: call Richard tosee if he could be my co-pilot, gas, smokes and water. so I get Richard and at 11:20 we hit the highway like a bat outta hell and whew!!! I made record time to the sucky hole that is The Retreat. my boy so handsome and nervous about flying for the first time. We are 50 min. from the airport tickets have not been booked yet and I am losing my mind. The flight is at 5:40 and check in at 4:45. We arrive at 4:48, A deep breath and pep talk later I am being felt up by airport security( b/c of all my jewelry0. Kai was a dream on the fight just sweet and loving and cooperative. We flew over NYC and had our lay over at Laguardia. This was the most amount of time we have spent together since March. Kai & I laughed our heads off watching a security guard eating a variety of stuff from the garbage and off tables. He was sucking the ketchup out of packages and finishing fries and burgers. WE were sooo hungry Kai wanted tuna $9.00!!! for a prepackaged tuna sandwich. 12 bucks for a burger. damn weate good old cheap McDonalds. Oh and when I discharged Kai from Brattle boro they forgot to tell me about Kai's ear infection they were treating him for. So as we land in Virginia he is in sooo much pain those fuckers they report me to DCF for giving Kai a snack so he doesn't get low blood sugar but fail to let me know he has an ear infection. Rant time: so yeah one time when I went to visit Kai I took him out in town and they said I was not allowed to feed him and well as we were walking around he was feeling low so I gave him a snack and let the nurse at Bratt. know and they reported me to DCF.ok so I will continue my ranting at a later time. I care not at all if anyone reads this. It is totally self serving to get this stuff out of my head and make room for the beauty that follows....

The Hour

2010-03-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

ohh The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos, SMITTEN I am. "The thinking woman's pin up boy" cripes... He is my T.V. boyfriend. Shit I am still living in fantasy and it sure feels good. It has been a freaky week. I just spent 5 days with someone I knew when I lived in Boston, 17 years ago I was 23 and a nanny in Boston, driving a mercedes and life before children. G-Love was on the cusp of discovery and my friend worked for Sony music. we saw G-Love often, Jeff Buckley, Bruce Cockburn and puffed many a night at the plow & Star. People are strange and they really change. I should have known when he said my T.V. boyfriend is a pussy. Hmmm... so I am recovering from the visit and thankful for his generosity as he spoiled the kids and I to a major extent. He bought me a car and took us out to eat EVERY meal. He also drank Vodka from the moment he woke until he fell asleep, it felt sad to witness his sadness. Oh the curse of being rich and lonely. I wonder if George is lonely...

Back on track

2010-03-17T12:09:00.000-04:00

Good Morning,
So as I struggle to be a creative blogging mama I realize the challenge of posting daily in real time is a commitment that continues to elude me. So here I am back tracking my journey. I left off at day two sooo day three ARGHHHHH! I woke up just freaking out everything is a fucking mess and I just want to cry it feels so out of control good damn this SNDN!! I want to quit today! somehow with lots of whinning and unpreparedness we get out the door and as soon as Tigress enters school I call my therapist and leave a long crazy message(to be in one long breath/... "Oh my god I am freaking out, I can't do this it's too hard they aren't doing anything, no showers, no ones brushing their teeth or eating real food OOHHH maybe it's my fault maybe they have too many responsibilites already and I am fucking nuts for expecting them to take care of the stuff I am supposed to do as their mother" deep breath "if I wasn't going on this retreat I would quit right now shit!" message time over I am in a daze as I stumble toward the coffee to stop feeling this feeling. Is it too early to have whiskey? how far would my bus pass take me. the crazy real time shit is as I write I am listening to Pema Chodren talking about Tongelin/ Maitri self compassion and how to breathe in the feelings of discomfort and sit with them. Profound way softer than whiskey... Compassion is what heals us... TBC

Day 2 of Do Nothing , Say Nothing

2010-03-04T07:33:00.002-05:00

Goodness gracious, I am fucked. It is only the second day of this brilliant yet torturous Parenting On Track program and my house looks like Animal House. Last night the kids fought so much I wanted to freak out and yell and seperate everyone as I lay on my bed trying to keep busy so my mouth would not speak. It is hard. I realize how much I boss and command and control how we get through a day. I woke yesterday wondering with anxiety how can we function if I am not Sarge in charge. Well Big Boy stepped up and sounds like mini me. Cripes and my noodling daughter woke up and played video games and is now trying on my clothes. I want to fucking scream... it feels so scary to not control every- thing they do. I have been under this illusion that to be a "good mama" I have to make sure the kids are taken care of in everyway under my dictation so no one suffers w/o a coat or lunch or is late or they have a perfect, nutritious lunch. Now they make their own lunches. Daughter left her's on the table overnight (yogurt and turkey) I did nothing and said nothing... I am learning so much about us as a family and as painful as it is to realize I have been mothering from an illusion I am ready to step over the coats, let the dishes pile up and let them be... as i continue my 7 day challenge.

fuckit...

2010-02-09T21:11:00.003-05:00

THe Witching hour has passed, the children are sleeping, Mama feels the guilt of all her bad parenting moves blossoming inside. My life is just ridiculous most days. The boy is so disrespectful and angry, yelling at me like a crusty, old drunkard... fuckit I just wrote a huge mess of feelings down and my fucking shitbag computer erased most of it, goodnight fuckkkkkk....

I am crazy

2010-01-26T16:48:00.002-05:00

I am crazy... Believe me it took me 3 1/2 years to post again and a fucking week to figure out how (thanks Jeremy) A short crazy post as am off to pick up the baby girl from afterschool. Big Boy is out of the home again. We just went to his Diabetes Clinic appointment where is was yelling and swearing the whole time and my blood is boiling as he yells and carries on about how everyone is an "ASSHOLE" and his life sucks. pretty sad thoughts for an 11 year old. I got crazy and freaked out on the social worker about how everyone at the clinic is uncaring and tiptoes around the fact that my son is really struggling with his Diabetes diagnosis and why doesn't anyone seem to care about my son's life. ARRGGHHH it is so flippin' obvious that he is super pissed about having Diabetes and the fucking Endocrinology clinic refuses to acknowledge the emotional impact of this diagnosis on my son. Every part of craziness inside me just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at everyone who doesn't fucking care!!!!! don't even get me started on the lameness of type 1 diabetes ever being compared to type 2 every fucking minute. type 2 is a lifestyle you can change type 1 is not changeable you got it forever baby your pancrease does not make ANYMORE insulin. your own immune system attacked your cells and now you are insulin dependant. stay tuned for more rants from the crazy lady of the day...

How does insulin work?

2010-01-21T19:12:00.002-05:00

Diabetes has come onto my radar in more than one way recently. Both within my circle of friends and my direct family. With type one diabetes I thought I had a basic grasp of insulin function. I thought insulin would kind of "digest" the blood sugar in the bloodstream. Well, then I encountered type 2. The explanation I recieved was that the body built up a "resistance" to insulin over time. How could sugar build up a resistance?

Yes, that is a silly question. It made me realize I had it all wrong. I looked it up. Insulin is an enzyme that plugs into the receptor sites of cells in the liver and muscles. As a result, these cells are coaxed into absorbing blood glucose, turning it into glycogen, ready for use as energy. It's these cells that build up a resistance, not sugar.

It has some other effects as well. Insulin also stops the cells from using stored fat for energy and takes the excess fuel in the blood and converts it into fat. That's way eating sugar and simple carbohydrates makes new fat and keeps us from losing fat.

The prevelence of obesity and increasing cases of type 2 diabetes in our culture points to the dangers on industrial farming, monoculture, and distributed food systems, but we'll leave those issues for another thread.

-Jeremy

Laughing Yoga

2006-06-15T21:02:00.000-04:00

Make your colin dance. It is good for the heart.

Watch video

2006-06-04T15:11:00.000-04:00

It is now June 3 and I am wearing sox and a winter sweater cripes!!! Why do I live here again I could go be miserable in a warmer climate right? Hawaii would be great I could be broke and unhappy while sitting on the beach. I am now searching for a job which is such a ... shit the baby is awake everytime I sit down here or sit for anytime at all wahhhh!!!! aghhhh I feel like I am going to lose my fucking mind these days.

drizzle drizzle

2006-05-20T16:30:00.000-04:00

alive! she cried. finally i will try a new fuckin' post, each time i do the circus comes through my house in several forms. Childhood illness swept me away this spring. Now it is May 20th. it's freakin' raining for days, still wearing fleece. The sun may shine soon and I will peel away the layers exposing my vulnerable self to joy and sunshine.... ooohhh I may crawl out from under my fleece chastity blankey. so I take my own oath of chastity, declaring my jezebel ways to be gone and then one morning I wake up with a reddish mark on my neck, it looks like a fucking hickey!!! I am marked and it has been visible now for almost three weeks it won't go away. ok Universe what is this saying to me ... go hang out in front of the mall, give it up, get over it, or heaven forbid, never leave the house without a sensible turtleneck on aaahhh!!! never the turtleneck. My girlfriend saw me at Kid's Day today "nice hickey" she whispered so seductively (i forgot to mention that my friends are either highly amused at my oath or completly annoyed and ready to burn my fleece blankey.) I barf internally and smile bitchily and walk on zipping up my coat and placing my hair over my neck. Maybe the circus included a horny vampire. oohh I am bad too much rain makes the imagination run wild.

"wild" nature play as a kid...

2006-03-13T22:04:00.000-05:00

Check this article out. It was a great reminder to me as my big boy asked to go on adventure today. I went blank. Duh! walking in the woods, it's so simple. This simple Mama is taking the chitlins to the woods tommorow. thank you...

"Our study indicates that participating in wild nature activities before age 11 is a particularly potent pathway toward shaping both environmental attitudes and behaviors in adulthood," said Wells, whose previous studies have found that nature around a home can help protect children against life stress and boost children's cognitive functioning.

"When children become truly engaged with the natural world at a young age, the experience is likely to stay with them in a powerful way -- shaping their subsequent environmental path," she added.

Link

I survived school vacation

2006-03-06T10:38:00.000-05:00

Only one more day to go of school vacation, yippppeeee. I love spending time with the big boy it is really rewarding for the most part although about 85% of the time we spend arguing about anything he can find to be argumentitive about. Right now for example he is really pissed because I won't take $ out of the bank to buy him a new toy because he's bored. hhmmm... yeah , oh and yesterday I found some lovely chicken scratch scrawled on my wall next to my bed it said" bich" it had a big circle around it. nice huh. sooo I remember how hard it is to be 7 and not have any power. now it's like I need the fuckin' power of a psych degree, conflict-resolution training, creative speaking and negotiating skills, how to deal with never having sex with self or an actual man due to time/space/location etc.( thanks kids for expanding my selfish little world.) I'd probably be on vacation, miserable in Hawaii or some tropical/exotic location, having sex anytime I want, looking at my youthhful unlined appearance, doing yoga on the beach then whining about how lonely it is to pee all by myself. har! har! I split my own sides with these fantasies. I really do love a party in the bathroom and my little fine lines, as Ani says " I've got highways for stretch marks see where I've grown." gotta go entertain in the bano. PEACE

Seasonal Affective Depression Rap

2006-02-19T18:43:00.000-05:00

No good at faking
So it shows on my face
No good at talking
So I'm stuck in this place

Can't call the race
So why have a phone
Can't swallow the pill
I'll just chew on this bone

You can put up
But can you live up
How many peices can you pick up
Load so heavy you can't stand up

Leave 'em where they lie
Crush 'em under your heel
Umm... step light over there
That one's slick like a peel

Geez, what a winey bitch...

DUH!!!!!!

2006-02-19T18:05:00.000-05:00

sunday nite... after a cold day bundled up going to the market in the am with the kids ( I knew something was going to be strange when I was brushing my teeth) I am squating to choose "apposauce" for baby girl when the Boy I had sex with a few weeks ago (total primal indulgence) approaches me ( he blew me off for drinks on fri. night) his line "I wasn't trying to avoid you" I think, BARF!!!I have been thru this, you could have called to cancel 100million times thing with boys and still here it is again UGH!! "I was gonna come by with chocolate and explain" he says. then he hands me chocolate "I was gonna bring this by later" RIGHT !!!!! Explain what, why I am biologically hardwired to desire a sweet chocolate like fucking once a month. BARF! again. ohhh I just got it !I crave man and try to satisfy with boy, like craving chocolate and trying to satisfy with sugar free carob. DUH!!!!

bitchin' blog

2006-01-31T08:55:00.000-05:00

early a.m. really just sick of the whole school thing. the whining "I don't want to go to school", "I don't want to bring you to school". aaarrgghhh, so 5 days out of 5 days we are "tardy" who the hell decided to start school at 8:10 anyway. I am grumpy and p.m.s. ridden. I just want to weep for hours and then take a long nap,wake up to a pomegranite spritzer and a clean house. boo hoo. Baby just had RSV aka bronchiolitus ,scary respritory virus with fever, gooey eyes, wheezing, boogers, coughing the night long, lots of snot, congestion, terrible crankiness and LOTS of nursing. this included 4 Dr. visits E.R. until 1a.m. aahhh the life of a haggard mama. Besides all that one of my bestest SINGLE (no kids no guy) girlfriends is visiting from the mid west. She is amazing. She loves my wild kids and tells me how wonderful they are and that they are just amazing kids. cool!
so after a lazy I ain't cookin' dinner of tea and apple pie and a game of dirty word scrabble the kids decide to show off their coolness. ok it was like totally insane... the big boy is in his room screaming at the TOP of his lungs kicking the door and the wall yelling "You think I'm a bitchhhh!!!" and the baby is following me around the kitchen screetching at the top of her baby lungs"WAAAAAHHHH!!!" wow it was like a fuckin' birth control commercial. "so folks unless your prepared to rock it all night long like this lucky lady, take a pill, wrap it up, pull it out or just say no thanks. jeeze i really could go momentarily insane, " somebody please go in their and calm him down I think I might crush him aaarrgghghh. his is my first born. I remember holding him so close when he was newborn and whispering in his sweet little ear " i could never yell at you or get mad" bbbbaaahhh hahah hahhaaa hhaaa shit i'm gonna piss myself, going insane never felt so good...

Real Moms Speak: Wisdom from the Trenches.

2006-01-23T09:27:00.000-05:00

From Parent Hacks:

Editor Angel Rutledge is seeking the stories of moms who've "been there" for a new book called "Real Moms Speak: Wisdom from the Trenches." Here's a chance for your real-world knowhow -- the stuff you're so generously sharing with Parent Hacks -- to have a shot at paper-and-ink publication.

FFFFTTTTTTT.......

2006-01-20T18:47:00.000-05:00

Ok,so anyone can guess that this cute little butt belongs to the one and only Jeremy seed, little sweet Oliver. At my house we love to fart, even the baby cracks a smile when she hears the joyful rip or creates her very own fabulous sound. So, farts are just a very fun part of being human, plenty of jokes and smells to remember. I am a particularly bass bottom and we have a BLAST!! So tell us your family fart fun times. Jeremy, in all the years I have known him and all the time we have spent hanging out, I have yet to witness a joyful noise ripping from the tiny arse he beholds. Maybe some people are just born farters. My father is and has always been The King Of Farts. Ripping huge loud farts at any time and place when I was a kid; EMBARRASSING when he would jump and look at the frail little elderly woman next to him like she had some gassss... so Blessed Be The Fart Makers... peace.

Make It Do: Parent Hacks

2006-01-20T14:54:00.000-05:00

Some chumps think they know something about parenting. Well maybe they aren't chumps. Click the link to decide for yourself.
Make It Do: Parent Hacks

How do I get by?

2006-01-20T14:31:00.000-05:00

You adapt beeatch. Check out my blog to join the conversation about doing just that. Look for and post ideas about life, liberty and the pursuit of sanity. Make It Do

Neighborkeepers

2006-01-20T13:52:00.000-05:00

Cathy Resmer over at Seven days wrote a wicked article about Hal Colston's new project.

BURLINGTON -- "It's not what you know, it's who you know." Can that adage help Vermont families out of poverty? Self-described "social entrepreneur" Hal Colston thinks so.
Link

I wonder if they can hook me up with a rich widow through this program? I'm sure I could satisfy at least two or three of them. See, I do have something to contribute to my community.

...aaaand followed by a really depressing article about Vermont Tenants losing funding. This sucks so much that someone else is going to hafta comment on it. B( Link

Oh yeah... the lady on the cover makes Zappalower blush..teehee.

about me?

2006-01-19T18:39:00.000-05:00

Ok so it took me 3 f-ing days to figure out how to post on this thing. Lydia invited me to umm... oh yeah myspace and it took me hours to write something about myself. I still left alot blank( like the space in my mind for things I like ), cause I really don't like Annie's mac n' chz and tofu pups for everymeal and I don't want to eat fucking goldfish everytime I need a snack and if I hear the Mad Hampster Cd again I will barf exorsist style all over our rented walls. So yeah about me? here she comes,Miss Tigerlily with a fever for the last 24 hrs. "up mama", arms reach up she bleats "mimi's?" everytime I touch the keyboard. So here I am with a fevery little toddler hanging off my tit trying to write about me... I LOVE MY KIDS I LOVE BEING A MAMA, my disclaimer for my right to Bitch about my tits and my soft cat belly and all the stuff I wouldn't give up to be a sexy, irresponsible, gettin' laid any time I please, hedonistic disco queen but enough about me. peaceloverevolution...

Poo

2006-01-17T16:15:00.000-05:00

From Bett Lambs Blam Blog

This feller is a hoot!

Food Stamps? I wish...

2006-01-16T09:36:00.000-05:00

God forbid you find yourself gainfully employed. If your waaaay over the poverty line at a whopping 10 bucks an hour you can pay your rent and utilities and then mooch dinner off your food stamp mama friends. I will be taking applications for 'hostess' positions and I will have work for all your school age children marketing my own independent line of recreational pharmaceuticals. I know, I know, but I've tried everything else and I have to pay off those school loans somehow....

addicted by Jeremy

2006-01-15T17:41:00.000-05:00

hello beautiful food stampin' mamas,

tonight begins our revolutionary blogger beginnings thanks to Jeremy (he set me up) and Jodi (subject matter inspiration) so I'm chatting on the phone with Jodi and we are bitchin' about our food stamps (also grateful ) now she is working so they cut her food stamps to $60 a month so what the hell are you working for to make up for your food stamps!!! so anywho how do you shop for good organic food that costs three times as crappy pesticide ridden veggies and make your big bucks last. hmmm reveloutionary thought by Jodi " what the fuck I need both " (job & stamps) what if you could have both for one year a new program called" back on your feet" and you really got support to stand on your own two feet and catch up. I am overeducated according to Reach up and am unable to do any postsecondary education even though I have a 15 year old associates degree. hmmm how are they encouraging me to REACH Up fuckin' Step on is a better name for the program. blah blah blah gotta go make dinner har har, wannna eat organic gotta be the richest fucker on the planet... (set to the tune of some folky jingle)