food stamp mamas

ideas, questions, rants, quotes, photos, sensitive loving thoughts, recipes for a new revolution, sex talk, brain storms, BITCHING, pondering, breeding, lactating, babbling, appreciating and simply living this kooky life...

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Hour

ohh The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos, SMITTEN I am. "The thinking woman's pin up boy" cripes... He is my T.V. boyfriend.  Shit I am still living in fantasy and it sure feels good.  It has been a freaky week.   I  just spent 5 days with someone I knew when I lived in Boston, 17 years ago I was 23 and a nanny in Boston, driving a mercedes and life before children.  G-Love was on the cusp of discovery and my friend worked for Sony music. we saw G-Love often,  Jeff Buckley, Bruce Cockburn and puffed many a night at the plow & Star.  People are strange and they really change.  I should have known when he said my T.V. boyfriend is a pussy.  Hmmm... so I am recovering from the visit and thankful for his generosity as he spoiled the kids and I to a major extent.  He bought me a car and took us out to eat EVERY meal.  He also drank Vodka from the moment he woke until he fell asleep, it felt sad to witness his sadness. Oh the curse of being rich and lonely.  I wonder if George is lonely...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Back on track

Good Morning,
So as I struggle to be a creative blogging mama I realize the challenge of posting daily in real time is a commitment that continues to elude me. So here I am back tracking my journey. I left off at day two sooo day three ARGHHHHH! I woke up just freaking out everything is a fucking mess and I just want to cry it feels so out of control good damn this SNDN!! I want to quit today! somehow with lots of whinning and unpreparedness we get out the door and as soon as Tigress enters school I call my therapist and leave a long crazy message(to be in one long breath/... "Oh my god I am freaking out, I can't do this it's too hard they aren't doing anything, no showers, no ones brushing their teeth or eating real food OOHHH maybe it's my fault maybe they have too many responsibilites already and I am fucking nuts for expecting them to take care of the stuff I am supposed to do as their mother" deep breath "if I wasn't going on this retreat I would quit right now shit!" message time over I am in a daze as I stumble toward the coffee to stop feeling this feeling.  Is it too early to have whiskey? how far would my bus pass take me.  the crazy real time shit is as I write I am listening to Pema Chodren talking about Tongelin/ Maitri self compassion and how to breathe in the feelings of discomfort and sit with them. Profound way softer than whiskey...   Compassion is what heals us... TBC

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Day 2 of Do Nothing , Say Nothing

Goodness gracious, I am fucked. It is only the second day of this brilliant yet torturous Parenting On Track program and my house looks like Animal House. Last night the kids fought so much I wanted to freak out and yell and seperate everyone as I lay on my bed trying to keep busy so my mouth would not speak. It is hard. I realize how much I boss and command and control how we get through a day. I woke yesterday wondering with anxiety how can we function if I am not Sarge in charge. Well Big Boy stepped up and sounds like mini me. Cripes and my noodling daughter woke up and played video games and is now trying on my clothes. I want to fucking scream... it feels so scary to not control every- thing they do. I have been under this illusion that to be a "good mama" I have to make sure the kids are taken care of in everyway under my dictation so no one suffers w/o a coat or lunch or is late or they have a perfect, nutritious lunch. Now they make their own lunches. Daughter left her's on the table overnight (yogurt and turkey) I did nothing and said nothing... I am learning so much about us as a family and as painful as it is to realize I have been mothering from an illusion I am ready to step over the coats, let the dishes pile up and let them be... as i continue my 7 day challenge.